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About Literature / Hobbyist Emy LeeFemale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 4 Years
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Emy Lee
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
A person out in the world who is looking for people that need help so I can help them out. There is that, but there is also the reason that I'm looking for the reason of life. How to enjoy it, love it, accept it. Right now, it seems like it's a pointless thing. So, I am also on a quest to find my answer.

Stories are written for entertainment and release of passion with that being their only reason. Pictures are drawn for whatever reason I say they are.
dA is where I go just as a last resort. It's been a while. I haven't had motivation for anything. Heck, I was just about to not write this journal, but now I'm coming up with words as I type.

I'm stuck in a bad place. I don't know when it started, but I've been starting to think I'm becoming problematic for my friends. I feel like my friendships have been shot down like alien spaceships in a video game where I'm absentmindedly tapping the laser button without realizing what I'm doing. It's like I'm starting fights with everyone or judging them. I don't really want to, which sounds weird, but I have bad thoughts about everything. I don't take things positively anymore. Everything seems like a negative comment that's a challenge for me to shoot down and disprove, and most of the people this is happening with are my male friends.

This isn't a surprise. Most of my friends are male. So statistically speaking, that's how it works (thanks math teachers). But for as long as I can remember, guys have been reliable. In kindergarten, I didn't get along with girls nearly as much as I did with guys, so since then I've preferred the company of dudes--that is, until now. Here's an argument about gender equality and how women are oppressed. The opposing side says that his life sucks and he'd much rather be a woman since "it's only if you're unlucky that you get harassed." Also, women have consecutive orgasms and on average have 5 more years on their life span. That seems like a good argument, eh? Then there's an argument about how I flirt with every single guy I talk to. There can be a lot of debate on other people may think, but honestly, this guy is the only one to point out my behavior. I have a tendency to pat people on the head or "shank" them. Girls and boys alike. Does that mean I'm intentionally flirting with them? No, I treat everyone the same and that's just how I interact with people. Then there's the last argument about the conclusion to Naruto. No, I'm not satisfied with the ending and you shouldn't be either. Damn you, Masashi Kishimoto.

In all seriousness, I do feel really bad about arguing with my friends. We're supposed to support each other. The guy on gender equality? We just agreed to disagree. The guy on flirting? He clarified today, not really in an agreeable tone, that he was just trying to point out what other people might think to help me out. And, well, the last guy is just saying I'm a hater on NarutoxHinata and SasukexSakura.

I don't just feel bad because of arguments. There are other people I just think genuinely don't like me as much as I thought they did. They used to tell me, "Wow, you're such a great friend. Thank you for being there for me," but now they don't talk to me anymore. Did I change? Did they change? What did I do wrong? I don't feel useful anymore. And then I see them with other friends and it makes me really sad (such sad hurr hurr). They look like they're enjoying themselves. I don't really want to join. A friend told me I shouldn't waste my time with an "idiot" like him if he really makes me that unhappy and I should make new friends. But is it really that easy? Especially not since I love him (yes, you can love your friends in a platonic manner). This has been going on for several months and now it's at it's peak. I'm sure everyone has these moments, but no one ever talks about how they get out of it. Is it depression? I don't know, and I don't really want to get diagnosed. It's an on and off thing.

Speaking of depression, my family is another source of stress. I don't know how to act around them anymore. After mounting lots of expectations on me once I entered high school, I've been avoiding them. Because of this, I've been able to connect better with my sister who's already been through the "rebellious stage." Although we all live in the same house, I only see my family members each about 10 minutes a day on average during the work week and then a little more on the weekends when they drive me places. My dad's never happy to see his kids. I'm normally subdued at home and, like everyone else, cloistered in my room. My sister asks why aren't I the same cute little girl I was when I was young. I've lost interest in everything. At some point, I ditched everything and became centered on my friends. Then when my friends started developing other interests and leaving me behind, I couldn't find anything to do. I've been on Tumblr for a while and as much as fun as that's been, I can't just hang out there forever. I can't leave the house because I have no money. My friends are all online gamers, something that doesn't interest me. I haven't written a fictional story in over a year (if it's not a year, that's what it feels like). I procrastinate on all homework and I have no intentions of changing that. I've been doing that since middle school. I'm decent at cello, but I can't compare to my friends who, while they are gamers, are also epic instrumentalists, and that makes me feel depressed whenever I pick up my instrument. I don't even like reading anymore. I can only withstand reading a book for so long. I used to read for hours and hours with a stack of over 20 books on my desk checked out from the library and organized by series. I don't know why I stopped.

I have a habit of complaining a lot, so it's no surprise I tell these things to my friends, but as I said, I think they're getting tired of me. They tend to ignore me in general or just avoid the topic. The only part of the day is during the work week when I have a friend in one class who I met recently. I don't know much about him, but we're both interested in the class unlike the majority and also attend the same club. I like to tease him and we're good partners. I don't know what I'll do when he graduates before me. The only thing bad about our relationship is that it's only been this long but someone's already said that he and I like each other. Joke or not, it's getting old. I'm tired of being judged for hanging out with the opposite gender. I'm not "thirsty" or trying to get guys' attention. I just want relationships with people who relate to me.

Normally when I write journals, I get passionate about something I type and then forget the purpose of my rants or dumps. I felt like I owed you guys at least a partial update on what I could write in one sitting, though, so here it is. I know a lot of you have moved on to other media. That's okay. Not too many people have to know what's up.

Maybe I'll get inspiration to write a story. Maybe it'll help.
  • Listening to: Impossible by Maddi Jane (Nightcore)

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Cierrakahana Featured By Owner May 12, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
Hey dude!
le-awesome-emily Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
rip dA. i barely get on.
Cierrakahana Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
Lol these days life's taking more time while I'm trying to balance da and tumblr
ive graduated btw
le-awesome-emily Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
tumblr is a curse. the mobile app is a wreck.
i'm still a scrub in HS. good thing i've completed my freshmeat year, but now my dad's making me do SAT stuff...
(1 Reply)
animecat26 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2015
:iconhappybirthday2plz: :iconhappybirthdaycakeplz:
le-awesome-emily Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
thank you, love~
animecat26 Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
If you were killed, I wouldn't be at your funeral…because I'd be in jail for killing the person that killed you!!!!!! We are true friends we ride together/we die together.
Send this to everyone you care about including me if you care. See how many times you get this! I want you to know that you are amazing and you are my friend until my death and forever. If I don't get this back, I understand. But I have a game for you, once you read this letter, you must send it to 15 people, including the person who sent it to you. If you receive at least 3 back, you are loved. Nobody knows how important something is until……they lose it. Tonight right an 12am the person you like will realize they love you! Then something is going to happen to you between 1am & 2pm be ready for the greatest shock of your life. If you break this chain you are going to have bad luck with love.
animecat26 Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2013
LadyNightingale01 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Tag a quality deviant, You’re it! Quality doesn't mean that you have a lot of followers, or a lot of messages. It means that you’re nice to other people, and you deserve to be happy. If you get this message, someone is telling you that they love you as you are, and they don’t care how much followers you have. Send this to 10 deviants who deserve it. If you break the chain, nothing will happen. But it’s just good to let someone know that you love them! ♥

You don't have to do this! Just wanted to share this with you :3
le-awesome-emily Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aww! Thank you!
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